2011 April

[Lestat de Lioncourt]

April 1-29

In last days of March I lost memory. I just remember how I slipped drunk on staris and hit head, later everything went blank and I woke up like in XVIII century, still thinking I‘m in New Orleans, didn‘t remember many friends, or this XXI century. I was so lost and looked like mad, that Isabella started to worry about me.

And later that madness went stronger. I so wanted to have son. My only one beloved son Lestat Junior. I took yellow pillow and kissed her, until one day Isabella gave me a baby doll, with I thought was my son. I really looked like mad, walking with doll and kissing it. Until one day Isabella saved me from that madness.

In April 1 she went to that witch doctor Rochester. Luckily he was so smart casanova, that from my DNA and his (human‘s) cells made miracle. He „took off“ his DNA from his cells, and put mine DNA, that baby would be boy and with blond hair, blue eyes. Well, that day Isabella became pregnant. And doctor said that our baby will bore after a month and will grow till adult per one month. I was happy like never before...until my uncle said that this is impossible. It is possible. Maybe our , vampires, cells are dead, but our DNA is alive, just put that vampire DNA into human cell and half vampire, half human baby will be born. Maybe other doctors can‘t do such things, but Rochester isn‘t ordinary doctor, he is GENIUS. He can make anything alive, make all healthy, or sick, he rules medicine world.

So we waited for our baby....

At April 14th I was a little angry...well, maybe more than a little. Just went mad.

I felt angry and walked from one room to another growling. Looked for Isabella, but could hurt her, then looked for Louis, but burnt some of his books again to calmed down. Still nothing good. Ripped head's of some Claudia‘s dolls and looked how to destroy something more.
Isabella came into the room little tired of her pregnancy:
- Darling? Are you ok? What happened to those dolls? And books?
My eyes still burnt for anger and I stamped leg down:
- I'm, not ok!!! I'm angry!!!
- Who did that?- she sat on the sofa holding her belly.
- I did that!!!- I hit some more of Louis books with leg.- I just need to pour this anger!!!!- I screamed on all home.- I'm so angry I can't hold it.
Isabella felt strong kicks in her belly and fell down on sofa.
In all river of anger felt that something was not right with my wife and touched her forehead with trembling hand:
- What?
- Junior is kicking badly....- she frowned from pain.
I touched her belly and felt that my son was kicking Isabella hard:
- Why he does that?.... Is something wrong?
- I guess it's you...don't be angry he feels it ..- she rubbed her belly.
I felt how cheeks burnt from anger, but didn‘t show it:
- Well.... what will be later? When he grow up? He will make mess here right?
- Maybe, he will do the mess with you.- she giggled and rubbed my cheek.
- Ohhhh...- I tried to smile, but still felt bad.- I want to see him faster... 1st of May?
- I think it too...
- Two weeks....- I hugged her and kissed.- Only two weeks and..everyone will say to me how horrible I'm that let you bore him.
- Shhh...he will be perfect like his father.
I pouted:
- Well...if like me... he will destroy this home untill he will be 20...
Isabella giggled. I sighed:
- No, it's bad... he will be hyper boy, I'm afraid I will need to tie him...
- What the hell happened to my book?- Louis looked at ashes.
- I burned them...- I shruged.
-Why? May I know?
- Never mind....- I frowned.
-I hope you that all money for new books will be from your pocket?
I nodded:
- Yes, I'll pay for your new books and even new shelves if you like.
-Strange, you are very bad. If accept to pay for them without any discusion.
-I said I will pay.
- My dollies!!!!!- Claudia ran and started to cry.


Later at night...

Priscilla was trying to read a book, but kept hearing me screaming, because I was mad. So she put ear plugs in, but they didn‘t help. So she went trying to find me.
I stopped screaming when swas Priscilla:
- WHAT?
She suddenly screamed at me:
- SHUT THE HELL UP.- she had book in her hand and rose it.- IM TRYING TO READ A BOOK !!!!- she was ready to smack me silly.
- I can't. I feel bad.- I frowned.- If I sit still I can suddenly burn all home...
- I‘m sorry.- she slapped me across the cheek.- But I am now angry. I am never angry and trust me you won‘t like me when I‘m super angry. Go scream outside or in the basement.- she took the ear plugs out.- Just stop screaming for at least and hour so I can read.
I growled a little:
- Ok.... I will go somewhere else to yell....
She grabbed my hand and hugged me quickly and kissed the side of my cheek where she slapped me:
- I‘m sorry, I shouldn't slap you.
I pouted just a little and kissed her back:
- Maybe I needed a little...
Priscilla kissed my cheeks again and then felt bad, ‚cause she had smacked me:
- Ohh great I feel so bad...
- Why? Because you made me feel even bad?- I felt a little guilty.- Now...don't pay attention.
- No, ‘cause I smacked you and I shouldn't of screamed at you like that.
- No.- I shook head.- You stopped me from destroying home, you did good job...
- I did bad job.
- Nooo...- I shook head.- I feel better after this slap.


In April 16th I met one nice girl called Vespertilia. She was nice, that.. I slept with her and turned to vampire. I started to see hallucinations that my Isabella kissed another man in New Orleans. So, was going mad again and wanted to have more and more lovers, so Vespertilia was my first, later I really loved her, so sweet and loving girl.

I tried to find stuff to do and don‘t think about my wife. So, I started to read books, walk in Paris streets, meet new people. Even started to get interested in astrology. Especially about myself.

Scorpio

Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment. But those of us who are particularly perceptive will be aware of the harnessed aggression, the immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity, and often strangely hypnotic personality under the tranquil, but watchful composure of Scorpio. In conventional social gatherings they are pleasant to be with, thoughtful in conversation, dignified, and reserved, yet affable and courteous; they sometimes possess penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked and defenseless before them.
In their everyday behavior they give the appearance of being withdrawn from the center of activity, yet those who know them will recognize the watchfulness that is part of their character. They need great self-discipline, because they are able to recognize the qualities in themselves that make them different from other humans, and to know their utterly conventional natures can be used for great good, or great evil. Their tenacity and willpower are immense, their depth of character and passionate conviction overwhelming, yet they are deeply sensitive and easily moved by their emotions. Their sensitivity, together with a propensity for extreme likes and dislikes make them easily hurt, quick to detect insult or injury to themselves (often when none is intended) and easily aroused to ferocious anger. This may express itself in such destructive speech or action that they make lifelong enemies by their outspokenness, for they find it difficult not to be overly critical of anything or anyone to whom they take a dislike.
They can harness their abundant energy constructively, tempering their self-confidence with shrewdness and their ambition with magnanimity toward others provided they like them. They relate to fellow workers only as leaders and can be blunt to those they dislike to the point of cruelty. In fact they are not above expressing vindictiveness in deliberate cruelty. They are too demanding, too unforgiving of faults in others, perhaps because they are not aware of the shortcomings within themselves, and extravagantly express their self-disgust in unreasonable resentment against their fellows. They do, however, make excellent friends, provided that their companions do nothing to impugn the honor of which Scorpios are very jealous. Part of the negative side of the Scorpio nature is a tendency to discard friends once they cease to be useful, but the decent native is aware of, and fights this tendency.
They are fortunate in that their strong reasoning powers are tempered with imagination and intuition, and these gifts, together with critical perception and analytical capacity, can enable the Scorpions to penetrate to profundities beyond the average. They have a better chance of becoming geniuses than the natives of any other sign.But charismatic "twice-born" characters such as they can sink into the extremes of depravity if they take the wrong path, and the intensity of their nature exaggerates their harmful tendencies into vices far greater than the normal.
Rebelliousness against all conventions, political extremism to the point where hatred of the Establishment makes them utterly unscrupulous terrorists. Brooding resentment, aggressive and sadistic brutality, total arrogance, morbid jealousy, extreme volatility of temperament, these are some of their vices. At the other extreme is the procrastinator, the man or woman who is capable of so much that they do nothing and become indolent and self-indulgent, requiring extravagant praise and flattery from those whom they make their cronies.
Being so gifted, they can find fulfillment in many employments. Their inner intensity can result in the ice-cold self-control and detachment of the surgeon, the concentration of the research scientist, and the heroism of the soldier. Any profession in which analysis, investigation, research, dealing with practicalities, and the solving of mysteries are relevant, can appeal to them. So police and detective work, espionage and counterespionage, the law, physics or psychology may attract them, and they can become masters of the written and spoken word. They may be most persuasive orators and find fulfillment as diplomats or preachers and, if they make the Church their profession, their inner intensity can express itself in the spiritual fervor of the mystic or the thaumaturgy.
Scorpio is the symbol of sex and Scorpios are passionate lovers, the most sensually energetic of all the signs. For them, union with the beloved is a sacrament, an "outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritualgrace.". Their overriding urge in loving is to use their power to penetrate beyond themselves and to lose themselves sexually in their partners in an almost mystical ecstasy, thus discovering the meaning of that union which is greater than individuality, and is a marriage of the spirit as well as of flesh. They are thus capable of the greatest heights of passionate transport, but debauchery and perversion are always dangers, and Scorpios can become sadistic monsters of sensuality and eroticism. Their feelings are so intense that even when their love is of the highest, and most idealistic kind, they are nevertheless frequently protagonists in tragic, even violent romances, "star-crossed lovers".
Possible Health Concerns...
Scorpio governs the pelvis and reproductive and urinary systems and its subjects are said to be prone to ailments of the liver and kidneys, stones and gravel in the bladder or genitals, and other genital ills such as priapism. Abscesses, boils, carbuncles, fistulas, piles, ruptures and ulcers may also affect the Scorpions.

LIKES
• Truth
• Hidden Causes
• Being involved
• Work That is Meaningful
• Being Persuasive
DISLIKES
• Being Given Only Surface data
• Taken Advantage of
• Demeaning Jobs
• Shallow Relationships
• Flattery and Flattering




At April 20th my one old friend visited me.

- How my friend is doing?- Vi'Ana Rouge Foncé smiled.
- Hello, dear... I can say I'm quite good. Others things are just my own heart.- I smiled gently.- And you?
- Something same.- she winked.- Wash away that smile and make some noise. –she chuckled.
I patted her shoulder:
- Soon we all will be able to celebrate. My son will born on 1st of May.- but suddenly I got sad.- I want that she woulb give birth to him sooner and I will take him from her...
- Oh, how sweet. I'm very glad for you. Please, don't be sad. You should be the most happiest.
I nodded:
- I'm very happy about my son... I really want him, but his mother is betraying me, I know that... I just act like nothing.- I hugged her with one arm.- I don't want to say nothing to her, cause boy is very sensitive and feels everything inside belly...
- Betraying you?- she whispered as my words hurt her as well.- How? Why?- she embraced me warmly.- Maybe you get wrong.
- Yes...- I sighed.- She doesn't pay attention on me, doesn't care abou kid. I just leave home and wonder every to forget it.
- I'm so sorry. I never thought that something like this will happen to you.- she didn‘t know what to say.- If something like this happens to me I don't know what I would do.
- Just be strong! Don't show that you suffer.- I kissed her cheek.- I cry away home and come with smile.
- You made right decision by acting like this. What you will do when your child will come into his world?
- I will take him from her and teach him by my own. He is my son, not her. He has only my DNA.
- But still she was carrying him. Won't she resist? won't she to take away your son later?
- I don't care. At 1st of June he will be grown up man. And she doesn't have any rights to him.
- Still, everything so wrong. Since when people make false promises. Where gone those words "until death''- she looked down sadly.
- Ohhh... I also thought that marriage will be sweet like candy. But I was wrong...it hurts me. She doesn't love me anymore.
- It seams that vampire also are humans. But still she is much younger than I am. She still is human. Human's thoughts, desires lays in her. Maybe one day it will change.
- I faster die when she will change.- I rolled eyes.- Maybe divorce? No. It's better to live with unfainful wife than alone.
- I would choose divorce.- she looked at me.
- No...- I closed eyes and swallowed tears.- I am scared to be single, to be alone, unloved...
- I understand you. But still I couldn't be like this.
- I can. It hurts but any way she is my son's mother. I still...love her.
Vi'Ana just hugged me warmly:
- You are not alone. You will always have my friendship
- Thank you... Only friends can help me.
- Always can count on me.
I smiled:
- Yessss.... I will invite you to my son's birth. Thank you my dear.- she kissed my cheeks.
- Nice. I'll call you. Now I should go to see my wife, maybe my son is kiccking her again. He is very bad boy, drains her and kicks.
- Go, and remember that I will always hear to and give warm smile when you will need it. Take care, my friend.- she stood on finger tips and kissed my forehead.
I giggled from her kiss and blushed:
- I'm too tall for you?
- Yeap.- she chuckled.


In evening Isabella talked with me a little.

Isabella laid in bed, dressed white, long dark locks all over the pillows. Silently hummed rubbing her belly, then whispered:
- My pretty little son....beautiful as his father, my lovely marquis....
I heard her singing. Sighed and wiped tears away. Came in and smiled:
- Yes, honey.
Her eyes bright and happy:
- Come closer to us, my love, I missed you so much.
I came closer and kissed here:
- Are you good?- my voice sounded sadly and tired.- I was away from home.
Isabella kissed me:
- Yes, I felt you were away....I missed you.- she kissed my hand.- I'm good, our little baby drains me fast, but I drink a lot of blood so it's good.
I stroked her hair:
- Yes, honey... I just need to leave home a lot... I have... um.... many work. I can't wait these 10 days to see him in my hands... forever... My sone, and only mine...


Next day I went to my Indonesian island for few days to take a breath and let myself cry how much I wanted.


The Pain

The pain which kills me
Never ends.
I must to love and with it be
It never to me bends.

I close my eyes and see
More pain and more betraying.
No, you won't see me on my knee
From pain crying.

Hate me, kill me- I don't care.
Kiss me, love me- I can't feel.
Treat me, hit me- I don't feel fear,
But I still can't with it deal.

I feel huge pain, but can't it feel
I don't cry, I don't yell,
But my heart doesn't heal
And I can't anyone this tell....


From one coast to another

My feet drowned in sand and stopped. It was just early evening. Sun went to sleep and woke me up. Along with me woke painful memories. I sighed and went to beach. Decided to sit and and think what I have in this life. It was warm and silent evening. Waves fondled my feet, wind gently kissed my cheeks and sea... sea which never ends. I closed my eyes and tried to feel all feelings in me, but they just started to tear me apart. I touched my place where it was my heart, but pain didn't stop. If only I could tear my heart out and throw into sea. Maybe fishes would kill all love I feel.
Again opened eyes and mind drowned in another feeling. Dark, mysterious and evil. I wanted revenge, I wanted to yell and yell and yell, but couldn't. Revenge....anger...infidelity... Love and despite at one time to two persons in my life. Every time I opened eyes- I saw them. Every time I wanted to take knife and kill them. But something stopped me. Maybe a past's ghost, maybe love still living in small corner of my heart. But this time love must be killed. My heart must drown in despite, I must get cold and calm to the end of my days. I shoke my head and hugged knees. I'm an actor for pity sake, I can act love, I can pretend to be like I was, nobody will know what is inside me. But.... will I be happy? Is this suffering will help me? Can I hold so much tears and anger inside me? No... One day I will blow like a volcano I am watching now. It pours lava into sky...so far away, I can't smell it, just see in the distance. I'm fire, I'm volcano. And I should lock this destroying power inside me until somebody got hurt. But I must hurt...I must hurt to feel safe. It's my defence. It's always better to attack when wait to be attacked.
I again talk like mad from myself. But nobody was hurt so much like me. Lost loves, lost family, lost hopes, lost trust.... I lost everything and only here, in Indonesia, I can breath calmly, not feeling fear and anger, it's locked for worst times. I laid on back and looked at sky, it was dark, million stars. They are so lucky, they never feel such pain and betraying I'm feeling now... But they are balls of fire. They glow and glow for million years until one day die. Just my fire will never die, along with my sadness. What is to be forever sad and left? And how to trust anyone after thousand times of betraying? How to start love again when you think only about revenge? I closed my eyes and wiped tear of anger. The only one way is pretending. The best thing you can do. Pretend...pretend...and pretend.... To act feelings, to act love and to act good Lestat. Let that devil burn inside you, let him cut your heart every time you feel alone, every time you see them together.... No use to die, no use to cry. The only one use is to live silently like a lion and wait for good moment to show your teeth and attack...........



At April 25th I found the same red-haired girl on Paris street, who saved my life many months ago.

I was walking lonely and unhappy saw a girl with red hair in the dark:
- How can this happen that in the cold and lonely night I saw a warm fire?... How are you little lost soul?
Aixa turned around to face me with a smile and tender eyes:
- This flame is shinny just for the people I care about, and this flame will be always to warm you when you need it. I am... not fine but not bad neither, but what's happening to you, darling?- she touched sofly my cheek, feeling the cold of my skin.
I came closer and hugged her very gently and kissed on cheek:
- Well, I saw you and knew that you are sad.... For me? I'm always sad, life treats me bad, that's why I wonder in streets to find something warm like you....- I smiled gently at her eyes.- And to hunt, to find old friends, meet new, it helps me a lot.
Aixa hugged me back while took a deep sigh, filling her lungs with my scent, closing eyes. Still holding me, said slowly:
- I'd you to spend some time with me. I'm in the need of company too. This solitude is making me cold and I don't want to feel it... it has been that way all my life, actually, but now I'm realizing that I was always alone. Would you take a walk with me?
I smiled to her hearing that she likes my scent and body:
- Of course I would take you for a walk, even to my home if you like.- I stroked her hair gently and smelt fruity smell from them. Ahhh... so sweet girl.- Why I want to care about you, huh?.... Maybe that you seem so lonely like me...and so much like me...
She experimented a weird kind of relaxing feeling when I played with her hair and smiled a bit:
- I would like to, darling. It would be nice to have a long chat about what is going with us. Or better, about what is not going on.- after a long pause with a lower tone, she added.- I want to care about you too, I don't know why, but it makes me good to know you feel the same.- she stood on her toes and whispered to my ear.- Oh, boy, we are the same, we are young and lost and so afraid. There's no cure for the pain, no shelter from the rain...
I shivered from her sweet voice and smelt in ear and closed eyes blushing. Good thing darkness hid red cheeks:
- Yes... we are both very lost and in need of good listener...- I kissed her neck gently.- But I'm not young...I'm very very old, only my heart and body are young and full of searching for essence of life, but mind...full of poison thoughts and bad memories...
Aixa stirred breathing, the neck was her weakest point... blushed:
- We both have young bodies, but we have an old soul as well. I say the same, love.- she hugged me tighter.


Well, I took her to my home and let her live with us. She was so excited with coming, that I let her even bath in room... I was a little naughty, but didn‘t do anything to her. I couldn‘t do bad things to such fragile creature as she was. My heart was full of love for her.

Next day she was running around me and filled my life with joy.

Aixa appeared behind my back and breathed softly on my neck while surrounding my waist with her arms:
-Good evening...
I shivered and started to giggle from sudden tickling on neck and turned head to see it who was it:
- Aixa!- I kissed her lips tenderly.- You are so sneaky.
My kiss brought a red blood wave to her face and she looked down:
-Awh...- she hid her face on my back. Laughed sweetly and said.- You were distracted, weren't you? What do you wish to do tonight, my love?- huging tighter and rocking me softly.
I felt her strange feelings and smiled:
- Don't be so scared, luv. I'm not so distracted as you think...- I turned to her and kissed on lips tenderly.- I would like to walk somewhere...
Aixa kissed me back the same way, at the end she put a big smile on her face:
- It would be the perfect occasion to talk about some stuff. Hold my hand and let's just walk. The moon might take us somewhere.
I giggled and took her hand, put head on her shoulder and started to dream:
- Moon should lead us to river, next to Tower of Eiffel, it's so calm and nice there...I can see starts, moon, million lights around me and drown in transe of calmness...


Later I sadly wondered in room me and Isabella had first love days, secretly from Nicky and thought which one room to give for Aixa and Francois. Stopped next to one in which I spent first night with Isabella and little red tears started to fall on floor:
-Too much remembering.... But I need to find room for my son too... Toys, clothes, room... so many to buy and find...
Isabella hugged me from behind and whispered gently kissing my neck:
- Oh, so many memories, and so pleasant...
I shivered from her voice and kiss. All body and heart got pain like all worlds would be broken\:
-Yes..... Too much...memories, but it's just memories...
- No it's not...- she still kissed my neck and hand went down to my waist.- It's just past..the future is ours, I can be with you only because you made me.
- Um...honey..You are with me.. And I'm quite happy about my son.- I turned to her and fondled her belly.- Don't worry about me, take care of baby, only 4 days left. I will keep my sorrow to myself not to worry you.- I leaned to belly and kissed it.- I love you...
- Mmmm it's so sweet.- she smiled.- Dear, please kiss me...
I stood back and looked at her eyes. Somehow didn‘t want to kiss or touch her, but gently took her face and gave a deep, but tender kiss:
-Love you...
Isabella enjoyed the kiss then bit me hard on the lip and threw to wall holding me:
- You think I'll stand calm and watch how you kiss her in front of me...
I put hand on bleeding mouth and tried to understand where it was when head started to spin from hit:
-Love?...... What is it?...... I just...kiss her like friends....not dirty thoughts...- I cleaned mouth and and licked still big wound on lip.
- You better be good.- she looked straight to my eyes.- You are mine...
- I....ah..... I'm yours....- I felt like bird without wings again locked in cage and sat on floor still licking blood.
- I'm very jealous of my marquis....- she licks my lips.
I crawled from her and turned back feeling hurt:
- I'm jealous of my wife too... It's not easy for me too...
- What? You gotta be joking I HAVE NOBODY! It's seems I'm unnatractive to you while I'm pregnant .
I stood up and walked touching wall:
- I...must be with my thoughts for a little. I don't want to yell or make you sad, this is not good for my baby....- I shook head still feeling dizzy from hit.
- Yours?! He is mine too, not only yours..I'm not an incubator for your children....don't steal a tiger baby from tigeress, because you'll taste claws!
I shivered from her yelling and slowly went downstairs trying to become calm:
- Honey...calm down, it's not good for my baby. I need him to be healthy....


April 29

Broken Angel

Old forest... Old like my soul. I stop in middle of it, look at the sky. I want to scream: help me! But I don't do that. Even tears are washing my cheeks, I'm still strong. My soul is looking for something to relax, for something to stop breaking into pieces. And just silent sounds of wind and birds are singing silent song of sadness. And this sadness talks with my lips: I'm not bad, I'm just scared and lost... I need to find way from this misery... So many questions again spin in my head. I can't believe why everyone hates me so much? Why they all think I'm lazy, bad, insane and stupid? I'm not guilty if I became insane, they all made me this way!

And again no love, no gentleness... I hug cold and dead tree, I cry until my scream scares all animals and birds. No living creatures can handle me. I'm damned forever to cry in loneliness, damned forever to bare all hurting words which exist in this world. But for what I deserve such curses? For what...? Because I search for calmness and happiness in this world? Because I found little happy place in darkness? Yes... But I hate this world. It scares me, it makes me hide in shadows and cry. I don't want this materialistic life, I want to stay in nature, to listen to bird singing and don't think about money, stress and all evil things people created. And everyone wants to add me to that hell. But I'm weak.... I'm so weak and can't run away from my offenders. They injected nails into my skin use me like doll. But this doll has feelings and heart. It want to be free like a bird. But it's too weak to fight. The doll needs only love and carrying, and without that it dies. Slowly, silently and without sound.

I can handle physical pain, but not spiritual, because I can't reduce it. There is no medicine from spiritual pain. You can cry until you lose consciousness, but it won't help. Tears always run off when you need them. Some say that you aren't lonely, you have loneliness. Such words tear my heart apart. This is worst company than offenders. And no one can help me. I'm just another broken angel, but I still didn't lose my wings. I still can show my feelings in other ways. But no matter what, it's so hard to stand up and fight. I can't fight, I just need to be loved and find calmness in chaos. But people are cruel, they would never help to lost soul... That's why I live in darkness. And if you can't fight this darkness, you must love it. Just look at night- everybody is sleeping, so calm, so safe... Million stars show you that somewhere is soul who searches for you. Maybe that soul will save, maybe it will show you right way when you are lost. And now I'm lost, alone and hurt.

I need to find my port of calmness...