2011 June

[Lestat de Lioncourt]

June 2

‎Louis holding Eleni's hand and stealing her kiss time after time they walk to find them beloved and missed Lestat:
- Interesting where that Brat Prince is hiding? Maybe we should try to find him in garden? Don't you think like this, Princess?
I was sitting in garden and read book like liked to read these days. Heard how Louis was looking for me and came to hallway from outside with the book in hands:
- Lou? Are you looking for me, dear?
- Yes, we were trying to find you.- he looked shortly at Eleni.- We kind were to busy and spent not much time with you.
I nodded and hid book behind back:
- I know, Lou. You are busy. I try to relax, but people are good for me.
Eleni smiled to me:
- I hope that means you excuse us for it, we love you a lot, bro.- she hugged me.- You must know that.
- Of course I do.- I hugged her back.- I missed you a lot. How are you both?- I put book secretly on table. Feels embbarassed about reading and blushed.
Eleni smiled:
- Why are you blushing?- she looked at Louis.- We are perfect.- she winked.
- More than perfect.- he kissed her temple.- It's because of book, isn't it my friend? Reading isn't bad.
- Louis is right, dear.- Eleni smiled sweetly.- In fact it‘s good.
- Yeah, I blush about that....books....- I smiled to Louis and Eleni.- I kinda feel strange with books. So hide them.
- What kind of book? Something naughty?
Eleni laughed:
- Surely he have of that kind, but not at this very moment, right brother?- she looked to me smiling.
I started to laugh lightly:
- Oh, no, no! This time nothing naughty. I read more about plants. Garden needs beutiful flowers. Sometimes about countries....or about fashion. But I hide novels most.
- I can't believe. It sounds unbelievable.- Louis laughed.
- Ah....he already laughs....- I looked down.- I knew that....
Eleni smiled:
- He laughs of you, Brother.- she put hand on my shoulder.- We feel proud of you.
- Proud of me?- I took head back.- But what proud is to read books? I thought they are only to pass time....but as.....I see.....- I took book and looked at pages.- They make my soul not hungry...... "Dorian Grey"? Hm.... Cigarette is perfect pleasure's, perfect example....- I took cigarette from pocket and lit.
- Eleni is right. I'm proud of you. It's so good look at you when you are reading books, but not burning them.- Louis gazed at me.- So smile and don't be so blue.
Eleni laughed:
- Oh perfect pleasure‚ ‘cause you wish more?.- she smiled.- Not sure of Henry's thoughts, dear... but I'm glad you like books now.
- Henry was fooled and taught bad things. If he wouldn't met that person when he was at painter house he would be innocent and kind young man.- Louis embraced his wife waist.- Everything was ruined that day. Poor painter.
I blowed smoke and shook head:
- I like Henry. He told truth all the time. But tell me, Lou, story wouldn't be interestring without bad guy.- I winked.
- I agree. But still I feel sorry for that guy.
Eleni laughed:
- I feel sorry for Basil, really good painter, but ruined by Dorian and Henry....
- Yes, very good paintor....- I enjoyed my cigarette and smiled.- I can say...better than Marius.- little devils danced in eyes.
Eleni laughed:
- You can't drop it...- she smiled.- But that's how we all love you, I fear...- she winked.
- At least I get some of that love you give and I'm happy with that...but to be loved for real is impossible...- I sighed.- Don't want to make you two upset, but love isn't forever... I was fool, believed in that and ...this time I won't be sad.- I smiled painfully.- I will have fun.

June 8

Isabella left me....

‎I dressed all in black to moarn forever and walked from home to streets. Maybe night will hide my sadness. From this day I will staying neutral in all eyes. Let all women kind will be damn. I again will be dark and cold death. And if somebody will try to touch me, let that one will be damn forever. All goodness is gone. I am again lonely hunter who lost all faith once again. Let be cursed all who will try to be gentle to me. From now I lost all feelings. Just left big dark hole in my soul....
- What happened to you and Isabelle?- Marius appeared from nowhere.
- Women are cruel. I gave my all heart and she left me.... I don't believe in love anymore. There is no love, no goodness, no happiness. I deal with my loneliness and go to hunt. Blood is the only one truth here.
Vespertilia chased at breakneck speed, seeking me in the dark night ... her heart beat to the rhythm terrible in her ears, but not for the effort (a vampire can not prove difficult for a simple race ).... she realized that it is for fear of losing Lestat. The copious tears and blood flowing on her cheeks ....:
- Your voice came to me from afar ... I heard your words and panic took me by surprise ... Lestat, where you are? You can not not believe in love! Not all women are equal!
I turned head to the way where Vespertilia screamed and whispered:
- I'm here...- I sighed looking at Marius, because didn't want to hurt that girl, but life was life and said to her.- Vespertilia? I'm not going to end my life, please, don't make more drama than I have inside me.- I stayed cold and calm toward both of them.- I will be fine like I always was...
Vespertilia stopped abruptly, finally close to me .... She may not believe what she was seeing .... No longer recognized me. The only thing she could says was... :
- Lestat...- but her voice was no longer a whisper.
I looked at her with cold even feeling something in inside, but stayed still and just put hand on her shoulder squeezing it:
- Calm down. I'm not dead, nor sad. Everything is perfect as it was. Ok? Now stop crying and explain me what happened. Has somebody hurt you?
Vespertilia shook head:
- It doesn't matter... I will not bother you as well. My company is no longer acceptable to you, nor my love for you. I do not gotta front like that, watching me as if I were a stranger ...
Do not be afraid, do not bother you anymore. If you want to talk with me, you know where to find me: I will continue to be near you.- she turned and with a heavy heart turned away from me, shielding her mind so that I can not hear what she was suffering.
I held anger and shook head:
- I'm not telling you I don't want to see you. I just want to get rid off of all love stuff: hugs, kisses and etc... I need just somebody to talk sometimes. I'm not throwing you like a dog on street, just I can't love, I don't have heart anymore...I can only care and be with you as long as you want. Nothing more...I'm hurt and I'm healing. But it's impossible to heal from cureless disease.- I sighed.- I won't yell or beg for anything. I do this for your own good. So, please, stop acting like this and talk with me normal vampire. You are strong and can hold everything.
Vespertilia felt frustrated, but in the depths of the soul looked up the fair, her eyes reduced to a pin, the green irises blended with red vampire. No one has ever seen her like this: more like a predator than a woman. The voice that came out in the answer was devoid of any inflection:
- I respect your will, my creator. Nice to meet you my name's Vespertilia.
- Stop this now!!- I finally started yell.- Am I doing something wrong to you? You can't even imagine what is in my heart and you dare to say I don't love you?! How can I love after all I had to pass today? HOW? HOW I MUST FEEL WHEN EVERYONE LEAVES ME IF I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?!!! Armand was right telling me that all my children will leave me sooner or later. As I see it's truth. How I can trust in somebody if everyone betrays me? How can I be gentle if everyone acts cruel with me?!!!- my eyes burned from anger.- I was always doll to you all and this is insult. You insult me by not honouring my sadness.
- I'm not asking you anything! I do not want to be compared at all. You spoke in the plural, but you can not put into the cauldron with others. I'm not saying trust me whatever! It is not my intention to insult you, just be near you at this difficult time. But if you prefer to overcome them alone, go ahead. If you need me you know where to find me: I will not let you! You'll see!- her face was a mask without expression, but in her heart was a storm of misery.
- I'm tryting to deal with my emotions...- I started to tremble from too much emotions.- I feel so bad and I don't want to hurt you. Please..understand me that I feel now is so messed up. I hate and love at one time. It's so diffucult for me! And if you will leave me, it will be the last drop in my life.
Vespertilia‘s face relaxed, her eyes again becoming black wells, as deep as the night:
- You can no mistake that will not leave you! And you can rest assured that they can count on me. If you feel that you're treating me wrong I'm telling you because they are not false, but that does not mean you leave! We are close to the soul and body. I'm here to you! Forever, my Lord and daddy
- Girl, give your master a little bit of time Marius said.- Vampire or not, he is still just a man and it takes time and long hours of reflection to deal with a loss as great as his. I don't mean to intrude, but your drama was a little grating. Just give him a little space, continue to love him, and be there, faithfully, when he's healed and needs you. Don't give him grief over his current state because losing the woman you love is the worst pain in the world.
- I'm sorry... I should hide my feelings...- I slapped my forehead.- If I will be like hurricane, I will destroy everything... From my heart left only dark hole, my soul is gone somewhere. I feel like dark shadow....- I took a look at Marius.- You see, uncle, I don't want to make drama from my broken feelings. Only If I'll hide them and be calm with book in hand somewhere- I will be good for everyone.... It was just too much, Marius, for me...
- Marius, You are right! And that's why when he wants my company I'll be there.- Vespertilia said.
- I was referring to Di Luna and her emotions. The last thing you need, dear Lestat, is someone to make you feel worse just because you wanted some time alone. And besides, you're The Vampire Lestat, when have you ever cared what other people thought about your displays of emotion, Brat Prince?- Marius said.- Vespertilia, that is good but you can't act cold to him now! You should offer an embrace, a warm smile and tell him you will always be there and if he wants you will go away for a little while so he can think. You shouldn't be saying that he doesn't love you just because he's lost faith in one woman.
- It was never my intention to make him feel worse.- Vespertilia said.- I'm just worried about him and I do not like being compared to the mass, that's all. Probably my way of being is a bit 'too theatrical for your taste and I could not convey what I meant
- Well, uncle, you remember many times when I fought because my emotions took over control. This time I wont do that. It's enough for me! If I will start to cry and yell it wouldn't that Brat Prince I must be. It would be just stupid drama queen... and no, no, no, no... no hugs... I'm scared, I don't believe anymore in gentleness... I had all gentleness only with HER and nobody can give that again.... I want to be single forever, I will be happy with my family, but no lovers anymore, love hurt me too much....
- Viewed why I said some things Marius?- Vespertilia asked.- I understand his need for solitude, but it is sad to see that he no longer believes in kindness, and in love ...
- There is no love, no kidness. It is just fake things we preted to feel... Now could you two help me to burn her things and clothes she left in my home. I want get rid of scent and things...it upsets me...- I said.
- I'm really good at setting fire to things...-she said.
- So do it. Get rid of them. I must start new life... Just leave me photos of her, these can't be burned....
- I know he says these things because I've said them before too. But, vampires can't stay alone forever, you should know tha, Vespertilia. This is Lestat. He'll be like this for achile, but rest assured, the pain will pass and someone will come along that makes him forget about her completely. The pain will fade and love will start anew. It just needs time. And Lestat will fall victim to it like we all have.- Marius said.
- You very right, Marius. You said such things, Armand did. But...they truth. Maybe not always, but most time... For now I'm staying single and onely, won't create any children anymore how much they would beg me. Maybe after many months or weeks I'll fall in love with somebody "old" from all children, maybe will stay alone forever. But no more marriage... Marius, you was right that marriages are stupid, everything is stupid. Bad that I can't get to Louis or Nicky, but...- I shrugged.- I don't need. They can hurt me again. I was also thinking of going to earth again...


Loneliness

I walked to graveyard from home all in black clothes. Night hid my sadness from all world. I still couldn't believe what happened... She left me after I gave my heart to her... I was hiding my sorrow, but in empty graveyard I screamed from pain and laid on the cold ground. Here nobody will see me and my tears. I must get home cold as ice without such feelings which tear me apart. Happy and loving Lestat is gone? My soul gone, my heart broke... Only empty black hole in my chest which bleeds with black blood. All memories since first night and till now hurt me like sharpest knife... WHY?!!! Why the ones I love leave me?!!! Why I am cursed forever to be alone? But there wasn't any answers... Only silent of graveyard and my scream.


How can I come back home like this? My son...my precious son.... He is cursed along with me... And Aixa with Louis probably will give me something good words to calm down. But I don't want any pitty, any hugs or any feelings anymore. I want to stay plane and cold vampire who lives just to live, not love....


Love isn't real, happiness and goodness aren't real too... Everything was just an illusion and believed it. Believed it like a fool. But how.. .How to to live again? How to love my loneliness? How to heal such wound? No blood can heal me this time, nobody and nothing. The person who made me good and believed that I can be good- left me like everybody else. And now I'm coming back to the same darkness and coldness I lived before that...


It was happy dream I dreamed so many months. I thought I finally had wife, kids , everything, but it was just dream... Dream which too me from myself. I believed I will never be alone again... I believed that I finally found sombeody who loves me, but I was wrong... Wrong again! I should had listen to Armand when he told that all children I make will leave me sooner or later. And Marius... He was right! She charmed me and made me suffer. No, no, no, no, no.... I hit ground with hands and cried so hard like never before. Burry this sadness, burry this pain and you'll come back home new creature, stronger to to say "No" for all loves. This time I'll stay lonely forever, I don't want any love, any things about love. I want to be just simple Lestat, nothing more. Love hurts and I don't want it. But I must stand up and be strong, I can't die even if I would like, I can't drown in sadness and torture Louis or Aixa. Only black coldness of my heart (or place where it was) can make me dangerous killer again and hater of all love stuff.


It will be hard to forget all I was living these months, it will hard to forget everything, but maybe some loneliness will help me, maybe some fresh blood or pouring all sadness on unnessesary things at home.
I stood up all shaking. My legs couldn't hold me and I leaned on monument, shook head to lose memories and frowned feeling anger. No, Lestat, this time it's end. No more goody prince, no more love, no more anything that it could make you weak. NO! No more tears, not in the eyes of my family, no. Nice life ended, no I must come back to reality and live like nothing happened. It was just a dream, Lestat, a crazy dream where you fell in love with a girl and married her. It never was truth. The only one real thing is pain you have now and hole instead of heart. I walked a little from monument and wiped tears, frowned from anger instead of emptiness and hit hand to stone. Let it be the same Lestat as I was. Angry, unfeeling and cold. My sadness can hurt Louis, Aixa or Vespertilia. And I won't hurt them, I'll hurt myself. Let that anger and sadness burn inside, I will let that fire on my victims and servants. Now, Lestat, you are good actor, so play them all good play. Nobody can know hwat is in actor's heart...


And I hold my feelings inside walking on street, looking at happy people. I will hunt tonight, like I hunted many years ago. I will be same killer... and my victims will be only women... Damn feminine gender. Devil's creatures. Seducers who took pure men hearts. But this time I have antidote from their charms- my broken heart. Nobody will touch me and nobody will seduce me ANYMORE. I'm free and dangerous forever... My lover will be Night, our home will be Loneliness and our kids will be Pain.....




- Who knows where is my latin dictionary? Lestat!!!!!!! Did you burn my book again? Or just hide?- Louis narrowed his eyebrows.
-Why should I burn or hide it?- I looked serious and cold at him.- Maybe somebody took to read it and didn't get to you?
- Then who? You really didn't touch my dictionary?- he looked at me.- Well what a great loss.
- Why you worry about this stupid book? I can buy you anything in this world. What do you want?- I took walet from pocket and started to give money for Louis.- Love? Books? Cars? Pain? Sorrow? Women? Men? Happiness?
Louis blinked slowly:
- I ....
I rolled eyes and put wallet in pocket again:
- What is it, Louis? I want to buy you new dictionary that you would feel better. Come. I'll drive you. Plus, I didn't go on my car for months, it needs so rides.
- Alright.- he still felt desert in his mouth.- You are strange.- he walked close to me.- Maybe all books store?- he teased me.
I shrugged:
- Sure, why not?- I took keys from car and led Louis to garage and opened door to diamond car for him.- I'm not strange at all. I'm living like lived when we created this home. Plane, simple old Lestat, nothing interesting... – I sat to wheel and tried to turn on car, but it didn't. Got angry from holding all emotions and hit hard with leg wheel.- Stupid ugly, car!!! I said it can't work. Grrrr!!!- I tried to turn it on again and got even more angry that with Fire Gift burned wheel.
- Come on, let me look inside this car, maybe it's not so bad as is looks.- Louis touched my hand.- Yelling won't help and I don't wanna loose your good mood for buying new books.
- Maybe we can drive in your car? This one makes me nervous a lot....- I hit it again with hand.
- Better think let's use mine.- Louis tried to find keys in his pocket.- And where did I put them?- he looked at one pocket to other.- I guess it's in my room. Will you go together?
I nodded:
- Of course I'll go to get them.- I stood up from car and brushed my coat a little, closed door and went from garage to find Louis keys in his room. Came to the door saw a red rose. I smelt it was from Isabella and threw on floor, crashed with leg and kicked under table in hallways, opened Louis door and found his keys on table laying next to book, took them and ran to garage. Stood in front of his broken car and waved with keys.- I got them. Now let‘s go.
- I see that you wanna run away from here and my books isn't so important.- Louis took kyes from me.- My car, so I will drive.- he winked.- Sit and be my guest. Tell me when did you see a sea last time? Simply I wanna see it. So I throwing aways all book and driving you to the beach.
I opened his car door and sat in car sighing silently:
- No, I don't want to run away, I just want to help you buy books somebody stole. That's it.- I put seatbelt and looked through window waiting for him to turn on car.- Last time I saw sea....I...I.....was...with...Nicky and...Isa...isa....is...-my voice stuck and I closed eyes.- It was some months ago, dear.
- Forget it. I offering you quite differet sea. Such you didn't see.- he thought that he done mistake now he must find out other sea. He kept repeating one word "fucking fool Louis".- So let's ride.- he almost flew from garage.
- Other sea? There is no other, just Atlantic Ocean in France...and saw it many months ago... Don't want it...- I put hands on legs and looked at them feeling how fast he drove out of garage.- Just be careful, I don't want accidents on roads. You need books, so we must go to buy them. Maybe I'll find something good too.
Louis laughed slightly as remembered what can replace sea:
- Don't worry I like to ride fast and still hadn't any accidents. So trust me a little.- he tried to be careless and funny boy while turning radio on.- Keep vampires from your door.- he repeated slow song words.- What a silly sentence.
- Yes, it is. But it is truth. We shouldn't all vampires to live in our home. It's dangerous.- I crouched and hugged myself thinking of first night Isabella came here and shivered. Opened window for fresh air and tapped hand on leg by music.
''Love wounds'' Louis thought sadly:
- This is not about it. Someone will try to protect someone and won't let vampire to reach it. It's silly 'cause any mortal can be protected from us.- speed rose.- I would like to know answer.- he closed his eyes and drove.
I nodded sadly:
- Mortals are stupid about creating such songs. They don't know anything....how it's hard to be a vampire...- I looked at wedding ring and again at Louis.- What answer do you wish?- I took ring from hand and threw it through window.- This?
- No, it's your private life and I have no right to ask about it. But I'm worried about you.- he slowed down and gazed at me.- What do you want right now?
- Good....- I closed window and looked at him coldly.- I want only to go to bookstore and get some books. That will be enough for now.
- Alright then the biggest Paris bookstore in basic our target.- Louis smiled.- Do you like drifting?- evil smiled.
- Oh! Just do like you wish I'll be good... – I winked.
- Then would be good if I take you into hotel and kiss you all night?
- You know you have your wife... I don't. So this will be bad to you, not me...- I sighed.- You will be happy forever, I'm not...
- Happy or not, I'm asking not about it.- he sang too.- Well still we are heading to the bookstore and my latin dictionary.- he slowed down when car appeared in crowded streets. Stopped car by the 24 hours opened store and looked at me:
- Let's go?
I thought that Louis hurt me by saying all night in hotel... No sex for me for all eternity now:
- Of course let's go. You must find me good books, ok?- I took off seatbelt and got out of car. Fresh air gave a little smile.
- Don't you miss those day when we were together?- he walked with me.- Sometimes I really miss them, so wild and full of emotion.
Second hit to the wound and I crouched a little like from real pain, but walked with Lou to bookstore and shivered:
- I try not to think about that... You have your wife, I have my hole instead of heart... It's not possible to be together...