Loneliness

[Lestat de Lioncourt]

Loneliness

I walked to graveyard from home all in black clothes. Night hid my sadness from all world. I still couldn't believe what happened... She left me after I gave my heart to her... I was hiding my sorrow, but in empty graveyard I screamed from pain and laid on the cold ground. Here nobody will see me and my tears. I must get home cold as ice without such feelings which tear me apart. Happy and loving Lestat is gone? My soul gone, my heart broke... Only empty black hole in my chest which bleeds with black blood. All memories since first night and till now hurt me like sharpest knife... WHY?!!! Why the ones I love leave me?!!! Why I am cursed forever to be alone? But there wasn't any answers... Only silent of graveyard and my scream.

How can I come back home like this? My son...my precious son.... He is cursed along with me... And Aixa with Louis probably will give me something good words to calm down. But I don't want any pitty, any hugs or any feelings anymore. I want to stay plane and cold vampire who lives just to live, not love....

Love isn't real, happiness and goodness aren't real too... Everything was just an illusion and believed it. Believed it like a fool. But how.. .How to to live again? How to love my loneliness? How to heal such wound? No blood can heal me this time, nobody and nothing. The person who made me good and believed that I can be good- left me like everybody else. And now I'm coming back to the same darkness and coldness I lived before that...

It was happy dream I dreamed so many months. I thought I finally had wife, kids , everything, but it was just dream... Dream which too me from myself. I believed I will never be alone again... I believed that I finally found sombeody who loves me, but I was wrong... Wrong again! I should had listen to Armand when he told that all children I make will leave me sooner or later. And Marius... He was right! She charmed me and made me suffer. No, no, no, no, no.... I hit ground with hands and cried so hard like never before. Burry this sadness, burry this pain and you'll come back home new creature, stronger to to say "No" for all loves. This time I'll stay lonely forever, I don't want any love, any things about love. I want to be just simple Lestat, nothing more. Love hurts and I don't want it. But I must stand up and be strong, I can't die even if I would like, I can't drown in sadness and torture Louis or Aixa. Only black coldness of my heart (or place where it was) can make me dangerous killer again and hater of all love stuff.

It will be hard to forget all I was living these months, it will hard to forget everything, but maybe some loneliness will help me, maybe some fresh blood or pouring all sadness on unnessesary things at home.
I stood up all shaking. My legs couldn't hold me and I leaned on monument, shook head to lose memories and frowned feeling anger. No, Lestat, this time it's end. No more goody prince, no more love, no more anything that it could make you weak. NO! No more tears, not in the eyes of my family, no. Nice life ended, no I must come back to reality and live like nothing happened. It was just a dream, Lestat, a crazy dream where you fell in love with a girl and married her. It never was truth. The only one real thing is pain you have now and hole instead of heart. I walked a little from monument and wiped tears, frowned from anger instead of emptiness and hit hand to stone. Let it be the same Lestat as I was. Angry, unfeeling and cold. My sadness can hurt Louis, Aixa or Vespertilia. And I won't hurt them, I'll hurt myself. Let that anger and sadness burn inside, I will let that fire on my victims and servants. Now, Lestat, you are good actor, so play them all good play. Nobody can know hwat is in actor's heart...

And I hold my feelings inside walking on street, looking at happy people. I will hunt tonight, like I hunted many years ago. I will be same killer... and my victims will be only women... Damn feminine gender. Devil's creatures. Seducers who took pure men hearts. But this time I have antidote from their charms- my broken heart. obody will touch me and nobody will seduce me ANYMORE. I'm free and dangerous foever... My lover will be Night, our home will be Loneliness and our kids will be Pain.....