From one coast to another

[Lestat de Lioncourt]

From one coast to another

My feet drowned in sand and stopped. It was just early evening. Sun went to sleep and woke me up. Along with me woke painful memories. I sighed and went to beach. Decided to sit and and think what I have in this life. It was warm and silent evening. Waves fondled my feet, wind gently kissed my cheeks and sea... sea which never ends. I closed my eyes and tried to feel all feelings in me, but they just started to tear me apart. I touched my place where it was my heart, but pain didn't stop. If only I could tear my heart out and throw into sea. Maybe fishes would kill all love I feel.
Again opened eyes and mind drowned in another feeling. Dark, mysterious and evil. I wanted revenge, I wanted to yell and yell and yell, but couldn't. Revenge....anger...infidelity... Love and despite at one time to two persons in my life. Every time I opened eyes- I saw them. Every time I wanted to take knife and kill them. But something stopped me. Maybe a past's ghost, maybe love still living in small corner of my heart. But this time love must be killed. My heart must drown in despite, I must get cold and calm to the end of my days. I shoke my head and hugged knees. I'm an actor for pity sake, I can act love, I can pretend to be like I was, nobody will know what is inside me. But.... will I be happy? Is this suffering will help me? Can I hold so much tears and anger inside me? No... One day I will blow like a volcano I am watching now. It pours lava into sky...so far away, I can't smell it, just see in the distance. I'm fire, I'm volcano. And I should lock this destroying power inside me until somebody got hurt. But I must hurt...I must hurt to feel safe. It's my defence. It's always better to attack when wait to be attacked.
I again talk like mad from myself. But nobody was hurt so much like me. Lost loves, lost family, lost hopes, lost trust.... I lost everything and only here, in Indonesia, I can breath calmly, not feeling fear and anger, it's locked for worst times. I laid on back and looked at sky, it was dark, million stars. They are so lucky, they never feel such pain and betraying I'm feeling now... But they are balls of fire. They glow and glow for million years until one day die. Just my fire will never die, along with my sadness. What is to be forever sad and left? And how to trust anyone after thousand times of betraying? How to start love again when you think only about revenge? I closed my eyes and wiped tear of anger. The only one way is pretending. The best thing you can do. Pretend...pretend...and pretend.... To act feelings, to act love and to act good Lestat. Let that devil burn inside you, let him cut your heart every time you feel alone, every time you see them together.... No use to die, no use to cry. The only one use is to live silently like a lion and wait for good moment to show your teeth and attack...........