We can't change our nature

[Lestat de Lioncourt]

We can't change our nature

No matter how scared and sad I was. I still can't understand why I must sufer like this. I always needed only one thing: peace an quiet, but I never get it. When you live in a cage with hungry tigers, you must be quiet or attack them to escape. But I fought this time and now feel scared, locked in deepest corner of that cage, can't run from tigers, they wil catch me and eat. And I sit that dark thinking how my life should be.

I thought that my life was bad before, I was wrong, it was like in fairy tale. I have home, love, friends, family, money, I lived like Prince in my golden castle. But one day I felt so lonely and hurt by my "happiness" that dreamed how to escape to world and live like ordinary human, escape my "cruel" aristocratic parents. I wanted to be independent from everyone, that was my dream. And that day came when this Prince ran from all "free" life. Prince got job, started to live by his own, but... Where was that happiness of freedom? There wasnt any happiness in ordinary people world. In that Prince still lives aristocratic soul. He needed to be dependent again, to get money for nothing, to live all days like he wanted and do what he wanted without any worries about anything. But he couldn't come back to that life. Future became dark, every day tears and wish to be Prince again. But Prince was spoiled and uneducated kid who wanted to have all government and money in the world, but this pour child always was afraid of other kids in school, ran away, cried and dreamed to kill them all night. That fear overwhelmed him and controled his every step. He needed to go forward back to "school", just he couldn't cross 'school" lines...he cried every night thinking of that, he wanted to die, but was too sissy to kill himself. But inside heart that Prince was talented, he could do anything: he loved, languages, creating clothes, drawing, walking in hospital and listening to science people talks, he loved to play piano, to help people, and the most he loved to write and create peotry... and many other things. He was lost in all talents that started to hate them all. But no matter what he still enhoyed all things in life, just his King and Queen started to ask him chose ONE THING from all his passions. Poor Prince felt again unhappy and treid to run from reality in all ways. He was active, so hyper, wanting to taste to all life, that every day he did new stuff, he also was good actor and every day he was other person, One day he cried, another laughed, he was so changable person, that his Queen and King hated that so much and tried to make him chose one thing and get "calm". Prince couldn't chose one talent, he again loved all his gifts, he wanted to be many persons at one time, and Famly didn't want that.

So, poor Prince started to read more and more books, closed inside him, didn't talk with his Family, they got more and more angry at him, and he began to feel more and more sad. In his head was million questions: How to chose one talent if I have thousand? How to become calm, if I'm chaotic? How to hide emotions, if I'm emotional? How to start lieying if I always say truth? And Prince lived like on needles, not knowing when Family will attack him again.

But one day he found book about human's nature. He read it and understood that he was born like this, he can't change who he is. Just how to say that to Family? They would never understand. Prince got even more sad and drowned in melancholia. He understaood that he has aristocratic soul, he needs to live free and do all stuff he likes to let his talents grow. But no matter what he thought, Family attacked him more and more often, that he became aggressive, he couldn'tstop fighting with them, and every time he was the one who cried alone in darkness.

That's how King and Queen became tigers who locked their Prince with them and attacks him every day, and Prince can only sit and cry couldn't escape from that prison. But his soul needs to fly...his soul wants to show all beauty he has behind that dark outside. Prince doesn't need any "teachers", any "schools", Prince just needs freedom to show his talents, he doesn't need any proving of his talents in documents, he feels that in heart that he is gifted enough and he can reach his happiness by his own...Just tigers don't let him live, they scare him...

And maybe one day that Prince will find biggest passion, maybe one day he will go on one way...only if tigers would stop attacking him and making do what he doesn't want... Prince just needs time.... He is fallen angel who needs to grow his wings again....




~Sick of crying, tired of trying. Yeah, I'm smiling, but inside I'm dying....~